mourning personal

A year without her…you are always in our hearts… Αιωνια σου η μνημη θεια μου καλη μου.

A year ago, on this day, 17th of October, 2015 my beloved aunt Anna died.

On Saturday morning, 17/10/15, having quit a job I hated the day before, I was on a plane to Cyprus knowing I was going there to say goodbye to my wonderful aunt Anna who went through hell for a year battling stage 4 cancer… but I was 10 minutes late…she died before I got there. I won’t go into detail again because it was not just one of but the hardest, most heartbreaking and life-changing moment of my life. And it still gets me…

But if you want to know more about this amazing soul, what happened that day, the funeral 2 days later (19th of October, 2015 a difficult, sad but humbling and beautiful, sunny day none of us will ever forget) and what happened after that I’ve posted a series of blogs a while ago… (https://whatilearnedbeforeiturn30.wordpress.com/2016/02/26/4-months-ago-part-2-dedicated-to-my-aunt-anna/)

It’s worth posting again the school essay my little nephew, her grandson wrote about her a couple of months after her death..

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For those who lost someone close to them who they loved dearly… this might sound familiar. I’ve lost other relatives before, but my aunt was the first person to lose that I was so close to…

The pain never really goes away. It gets easier to control as the time passes by, as we get on living our lives but it’s always there and sometimes hurts as much as it did on that day… I could only describe it as a healing wound that gets scratched every now and then and hurts again. It gets easier to live with but it’s always there.

And today it hurts as much as that day. I can’t even imagine how it feels for my cousin. If it was my mum I wouldn’t be able to cope with it that well. She is a real heroine. Γεωργία μου είσαι ηρωίδα μάνα και η θεία βλέπει σε που ψηλά και χαίρεται!

I used to listen to a lot of songs then but one especially, before her death and afterwards… a song narrating what Stephanie Rainey went through when she lost her nephew… The video is worth watching, it shows people who lost a loved one, holding up a placard, sharing how they felt, what they thought their loved ones would tell them if they were alive and what they would tell them if they could… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLJ6r8mBPJc

I can’t believe it’s already been a year. So much has happened in a  year… And although I went through a rough patch, I wouldn’t change anything.

I’ve had an amazing year and it all comes down to that day…

Although I knew, we all do, that life is short and can change in an instant, her death and knowing that such a loving, caring person spent most of her life only thinking of others until her very last breath, sacrificing her own happiness for others and rarely did what she really wanted, and suddenly diagnosed, suffered and died of cancer within a year, completely changed my mindset.

It’s been hard to accept she is really gone and for months I couldn’t handle my emotions, the pain was too much to deal with and with everything else happening in my life at the time, I felt lost and doubted my self, I overreacted, I went through all the grief stages over and over, but because of her I think I came out of it a better person…

Because of her I try new things even when I’m terrified…

Because of her I don’t stay upset or sad for too long…

And because of her I only do what I want and I don’t even try to pretend I enjoy things  I don’t…

And because of her, I learned to appreciate and make little things count. I was told recently ‘It doesn’t take much to make you laugh’. No, it really doesn’t. I make the most of every little thing and I laugh at silly things like ‘Limkokwing’ and get excited about a bacon roll or chocolate popping candy enhanced orange (magic!) because that’s what life is about. Enjoy the little things, appreciate these little beautiful moments.

Unless you are incredibly rich (although I don’t think rich people are happy all the time, it’s not all about money) you, as most of us, spend most of your time at work, with friends and family, and those moments are precious, this is our life and it’s more fun when you are having a good laugh!

I’m not stupid or naive or immature. If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry… not because I’m crazy but because thinking about my responsibilities, problems, things that need fixing, people I miss, things I want to do but I can’t right now, bad experiences I’ve been through, all the horrible things happening in the world and a million other things, it upsets me, it makes me sad. We all have coping mechanisms and mine is laughing it off.

I want to thank Sheba, I love you babe, I REALLY REALLY hope you get to fulfil your dreams very soon. Thank you for being there for me all this time through thick and thin… You’ve been there for me when I quit my job, broke up, lost my aunt, job-hunting, crying over people and things that were not worth it… And thank you for the incredibly amazing time we had and are having! #ninjasintraining.

To my family, I love you all and can’t wait to see you soon… Sending you hugs and all my love, especially today…

A big thank you to my SSU family, who they offered me a job, stability and security when I needed it the most, when everything else in my life was falling apart.

For everyone going through cancer treatment… A big big big hug… I know everyone copes with it differently, but seeing what my aunt went through, chemo, radiotherapy, immunotherapy, liver failure, depression, horrendous physical and emotional pain… however you are dealing it, you are a hero!

And finally a message for my aunt:

I’m so so sorry I was away for most of the time you were going through all the horrendous treatment and pain… and I’m sorry I was 10 minutes late… Had I known, I would have ran out of the plane, leave all my stuff behind and come straight to the hospital…

What I wouldn’t give to be able  to talk to you one last time… I’m sorry you didn’t get to meet your grandson, my godson! He is the sweetest, cleverest little boy, our little prince. We all love you and miss you a lot… especially on family gatherings…

I’ll never forget your unconditional love and kindness, how much you loved your farm, land and animals, your beautiful words, your incredible cooking, the big birthday parties and celebrations on your terrace underneath your vine rooftop, and your beautiful smile even when you were in pain…

Thank you for changing my life, without knowing… You will always have a home inside my soul….

Θεία μου συγνώμη που δεν ημούν εκεί όταν έκαμες τις θεραπείες και συγνώμη που άργησα 10 λεπτά. Μακάρι να μπορούσα να σε δω και να σου μιλήσω μια τελευταία φορά. Λυπάμαι που δεν γνώρισες τον εγγονό σου τον Στέφανο μας, το μικρό μας πρίγκηπα.

Θα θυμάμαι πάντα την αγάπη σου για τη γη, τα ζώα, τα υπέροχα φαγητά σου και τα τραπέζια στην αυλή σου κάτω που το αμπέλι σου, την απέραντη αγάπη σου για όλους μας, τη καλοσύνη, την ταπεινότητα, την αγνή ψυχή σου και το χαμόγελο σου ακόμα κι οταν πονούσες.

Σε ευχαριστώ που τα βάθη της ψυχής μου που μου άλλαξες τη ζωή χωρίς να το ξέρεις. Θα σ’αγαπούμε για πάντα.

Αιωνία σου η μνήμη θεία μου.

 

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